It is interesting to note that our relationships are the drivers of important decisions in life. Thinking about our personal lives, we move from a city to another, looking for developing or deepening relationships with beloved ones or family members. Regarding our professional lives, we tend to stay longer in an organization when the company environment is good as, over time, we develop relationships and ties with the community. So, our success in developing and nurturing healthy relationships may determine the paths that we will take in our lives.
Reading the book “Talking to Strangers” from Malcolm Gladwell, one of the comments in the book provoked me and triggered many reflections.
“Respect for others requires a complicated calculation in which one party agrees to moderate their own desires, to consider the longer-term consequences of their own behavior, to think about something other than the thing right in front of them.” Malcolm Gladwell
Respect is the foundation for relationships and realizing that they are pivotal in life decisions, I was intrigued to distill the essential elements that make parties in a healthy relationship more inclined to compromise individual desires in favor of collective desires.
In this post, I would like to invite you to reflect on three elements of relationship development that I synthesized from my reflections.
1. Caring
An essential element in a healthy relationship is that one genuinely cares about the other. On the opposite side, the indifference closes any possibility of developing a relationship. Reflecting on healthy relationships, when we genuinely care about someone, we are up to compromise on individual desires and focus on collective goals that benefit both parties.
This realization showed me that it is crucial to reflect on how much we care about the people we are related to in personal or professional settings. We can improve or transform our relationships, developing an honest curiosity about one another and dedicating time to getting to know other people.
“When one is too busy with one’s own agenda but wants to display a caring attitude, what often works best is a small change in behavior, not a total revision of the relationship.” Edgar H. Schein
2. Mutual agreement
A healthy relationship requires a mutual agreement, and both parties need to be up to compromise on their individual desires. On the other hand, there is not a mutual agreement between the parties in toxic relationships because one party is trying to get the most of the relationship, and the other is looking for self-defense.
Healthy relationships are naturally driven to a mutual agreement because both parties are focused on collective wellbeing. In a healthy relationship, the individual wellbeing of the other party is as important as ours, so the idea of compromising individual desires in favor of collective desires looks reasonable because there is a mutual agreement and caring.
“Trust in the context of a conversation is believing that the other person will acknowledge me, not take advantage of me, not embarrass or humiliate me, tell me the truth, and, in the broader context, not cheat me, work on my behalf, and support the goals we have agreed to.” Edgar H. Schein
3. Values
Individual attitudes mirror personal values. So, depending on our values, our attitudes bring people closer to us or drive us apart. If we are open to genuinely caring for one another, we find pleasure in the opportunities of developing healthy relationships and establish mutual agreements, as we feel more focused on the collective goals than in fulfilling our individual desires. We learn to enjoy the accomplishment of collective outcomes.
“…to live in the 21st century will require a new kind of human being, one that is more conscious of self, more social, more culturally wise, and more innovative in taking action.” Edgar H. Schein
Reviewing our relationships at work from the perspective of these three elements, we may discover the pleasure of developing an honest curiosity about one another; enjoy building bonds of trust, and reframe our values to celebrate more the collective accomplishments than the individual wins.
- Gladwell, Malcolm, 2019, Talking to Strangers What We Should Know About The People We Don’t Know, ISBN 978-0-316-53562-5. Hachette Book Group, Inc.
- Schein, Edgar H, 2013, Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, ISBN 978-1-60994-981-5, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, Inc
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